It is an unfortunate situation to those who observe me trying to write a proposal on a topic about which I am clueless when they see me stressing myself out, calculating how much my marking period grade is going to drop for a bad grade on this assignment, and contemplating just not doing the assignment altogether. I, instead of being able to put forth my best effort, am feeling forced to just write the first thing that comes to mind in order to get it done so I can go to bed and not make myself sick from lack of sleep. For when I do this, I fall farther behind in school assignments due to involuntary absences, or feel less likely to improve my work the next time around, or become disappointed with myself for allowing my mental stress to cause physical illness.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this elevated level of stress for the sake of a number on a returned sheet of paper or on a final report card at the end of the school year is not a very good way to spend one’s final few months before entering the world of college, law school, and eventually a career, which is certain to be even more stressful than high school work in an AP class. If anyone could come up with a solution for this miserable situation, they would deserve my full and loyal appreciation, and I would owe them a great deal of reward.
But my intention is very far from being confined to only provide for those of us struggling to write modest proposals when we are not famous satirists, but in fact only teenagers in high school. It is of a much greater extent and my proposal is designed to alleviate this issue from all AP students who would certainly appreciate a little room to breathe, especially in the very few crucial weeks before AP exams begin.
As to my own part, having contemplated for many days about this important topic and put great effort into doing this assignment the right way as other students felt was the best way to go about this, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their logic when suggesting that I should put even more of my time and energy into this one assignment to do it flawlessly.
I am assured by the letters sent out by prestigious colleges that the amount of work a student does in a class over the course of the year is no indication of whether or not they are fit to attend the university. When the valedictorian of our high school, who has likely never missed a single assignment or done one below their full potential, is rejected from a college despite massive amounts of hard work, it is obvious that these lengthy, difficult assignments must be eliminated.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a slacking student of my acquaintance that a strategy of just blowing off all assignments altogether and receiving perfect scores on tests is plenty sufficient to keep a passing grade in all classes and does not interfere with one’s ability to get an astounding 2100 on the SAT. I make no doubt that this individual will one day be highly respected in their career and receive large salaries one day.
I do therefore humbly offer it to consideration that of the hundreds or possibly thousands of assignments that I have diligently completed during my high school career as an AP student, one single assignment may be reserved to complete it in an utterly ridiculous manner, where the structure and idea is correct, but the content of the assignment is more than likely not what the teacher was expecting to read in this proposal, and the reason for this is, considering there are only 36 days left of high school (in which I have not yet ceased to work incredibly hard) and I have far more things to be concerned with than this one single assignment, the method which I have chosen to complete this assignment is perfectly acceptable.
I have reckoned that an assignment such as this one will earn me no lower than a C+, and if I can still manage to structure it well and meet all the criteria, the grade on it may increase to a B+.
I believe that the amount of energy and stress I am sparing myself by choosing to write this ridiculous proposal is very proper, considering I am still putting in my time to complete it and I just cannot bring myself to consciously skip an entire assignment, despite frustrations and feelings of inferiority to others that have already completed it and done it the way we were probably supposed to.
I have already computed the amount of extra stress I would be placing upon myself if I sat here all night and tried to come up with a legitimate idea for a modest proposal that is exactly what is expected of me to be approximately 3-4 extra hours of lost sleep, printing, stapling, and blog posting included. Thus, by saving myself this time and allowing my body and brain to rest before returning to school tomorrow, I will be far more able to clear my head and work up to my full potential for the final thirty-six days of my high school career.
Although up to this point in my writing I have attempted to follow the structure of Swift as closely as possible, the original Modest Proposal contains an entire single-spaced page of words that I wish not to read again, and I certainly do not have the mental capacity to write my own long paragraphs such as these. Therefore, I shall continue with my subject. For first, it greatly reduces the amount of stress that I already experience on a daily basis due to AP language, two other honors classes, my job outside of school [which is seasonal, and right now happens to be our absolute busiest time of the year], and preparation for graduation and college. It is proven that stress causes irritability (leading to a decrease in the amount of people that wish to associate with me), tendency to fall asleep in class, physical illness, and early death, and I do not wish to experience any of these anymore than I have to.
Second, I will now have some time of my own to do something that I have wanted to do uninterruptedly for several weeks: sleep.
Third, whereas my best friend of thirteen years is sitting at her dining room table, diligently working while also driving herself mad over AP Euro, I lounge here on her couch with my laptop computer spewing out this silly proposal just so I can feel confident in the fact that I completed it. She is currently getting sick, and I am not.
Fourth, besides the guilty conscience that I am avoiding by not choosing this alternative method of completion for this assignment, I am not subjecting another individual to the time commitment of writing two modest proposals: one for themselves to hand in and one to sell to me for my own use.
Fifth, this proposal may bring comic relief or a self-esteem boost to those who need it. While others may feel like criticizing their own work on their proposals for fear that it is not their best, their opinion will soon change if they read mine, and they will think to themselves, “Wow, mine isn’t as horrible as I thought it was when I wrote it.” The friend mentioned in the third item of my list of benefits of this proposal is already laughing at me, and it is making her feel better.
Many other advantages might be enumerated, but it would defeat the purpose of this entire proposal of mine if I continued to write despite the fact that my eyes are soon going to require tape in order to remain open long enough for me to drive home. After looking at the clock for the first time in quite a while, it just occurred to me that I have been working on this for almost exactly two and a half hours, not including the time two days ago when I first attempted to brainstorm ideas for this assignment.
Of course there are other solutions to this problem besides the one I have just presented. Some of these include: not doing the assignment altogether, forcing myself to focus harder and write a legitimate proposal, searching the internet for one written by someone else and “borrowing” it, or perhaps skipping school Friday and Monday and pretending to have no internet access (hoping that during this time, I would wake up at three in the morning with a sudden genius idea and ability to write intelligently about it).
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least ulterior motive in endeavoring to make this necessary proposal. I have no other intention besides protecting my own mental and physical health. I do not wish to impose guilt on the person who may have assigned this modest proposal to my AP language class, nor do I wish to brag to my best friend who is still working on writing her second paragraph while I am now finished with my assignment and free to go home and go to sleep for nine full hours.
